Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin world go round

OK so we're talking bodies, in particular my relationship with mine which, I'm sure, will mirror that of many of you reading this

When I was about 17 I went on my first diet. I'd gone up to a size 12 - gross! - and just HAD to get back to a size 10, NOW! And so I stepped on the multi-billion pound rollercoaster that is the weight loss industry - lose weight, feel great. It was the worst ride of my life. I'll try and be brief.....

I've been on every diet imaginable; Weight Watchers, Slimming World, Slimfast, 1 Tuc biscuit and a beetroot three times a day, Atkins, raw egg mixed with orange juice and sieved (bleurgh), fruit only, 1 meal a day but not after 6pm......I even wrote to a Sunday mag's diet guru and ended up featuring in it, 'Confessions of a yo-yo dieter', January 9th 2000. I've still got a copy. They all succeeded in one thing and one thing only. They messed up my relationship with me.

Looking back, the times in my life when I've occupied size 10 jeans have been no different to when I've occupied size 16 ones. That delusion that 'everything would be much better if I were thin' just isn't true; the way I've felt about me has been consistently crap.

It's taken years of positive self-talk and the kind of self-awareness and self-confidence that comes with age to get me feeling remotely comfortable in my own skin. Fact is, my 45 year old eyes see things very differently. I think when you're young, it's all about appearance. It's quite shallow but you do judge - and get judged - by the way you look. I guess that goes on when you get older if you're presented with an image of someone that falls into the 'unconventional' category. In the main though, you start to value people for their inner qualities and it's these that add to their attractiveness. I bet we all know at least one person that could be described as 'ugly' in the conventional sense but have something about them that makes them attractive. And I bet that 'something' isn't their Body Mass Index!

Generally, I think that the female form is a wondrous gift from Mother Nature, a beautiful thing to behold. Given the choice, I'd much rather look at an image of a naked woman than a naked man. (Mum, Dad, if you're reading this, it doesn't mean I'm gay, bisexual or promiscuous. Just normal). And the beauty of a woman has got nothing to do with size, it's got to so with that 'something'. Let's look at a few women we all know....

At the thin end of the wedge, quite literally, is Victoria Beckham and Kate Moss. Both very skinny but both, in my opinion, gorgeous, sexy women. Then at the other end there's Dawn French. A confident, sassy and, again, very sexy woman. And the hundreds of thousands in between. Incidentally, I remember there being a photo of a naked Dawn French in the paper years ago. She was lay on her tummy and looked amazing. I remember Dave, my hubby, proclaiming at the time, 'Phwoar, look at her!'

Ah yes, Dave. My poor (and fabulous) other half. Over the years he's been confused, bewildered and exasperated with my body issues. He's always stated "I love you no matter what'. And I'm ashamed to say that more than once this has been met with 'well that's no good. If you said you'd only love me if I was thin then I'd BE thin'. Truth is, if he were that shallow I'd never have married him. Through the years he's often tried to get me to appreciate my better qualities only to have his efforts met with derision.

You're a nice person. So? I'm not thin.

You always look nice. So? I'm not thin.

You've got a great personality. So? I'm not thin.

You've got nice teeth. Are you taking the p***? He really did say this trying to make me feel better about myself - it's become a long-standing joke.

Now though, as I've gotten older and more confident my feelings about me have changed to 'I'm not thin. So?' I'm a UK-average size 16, probably around the middle of the wedge. I quite like me and the fact that I've got curves. I am, as the title of my blog suggests, what I am. OK, so I'll never wear a pair or gold hot-pants a la Miss Minogue but if someone is going to judge me for having a big arse.......well, it says more about them than it does about me.

I've recently been diagnosed with osteo-arthritis in both knees and one hip. It's been there a while and probably dates back to some knee-related incidents when I was young. The pain has only recently got worse and was brought on by a bout of serious gym activity after years of doing not much exercise besides walking the dog. The doctor's advise was to lose weight - because I carry most of mine around my bum and hips, it's putting pressure on my knees.

I must admit it really brought me down. I wavered a little and thought 'this wouldn't be happening if I were thin' but it would. So, I'm trying to nudge a little closer to the thin end of the wedge but this time purely to avoid having to either move my bed downstairs in later life, or buy a bungalow.

Meantimes, if any of you reading this are thinking 'that's me', remember the words of the wonderful Gok Wan. 'You've got it all going on girlfriend. Celebrate those gorgeous curves!'