Just mooove yourself and gliiide like a sevenfortyseven

'Cept this flight was more boing than Boeing.

I'm having a deviation from 'This is my life' to tell you about the comedy of errors that was our flight over to Corfu but first I need to give you a very quick bit of background information. Ready?.......deep breath in....and....GO!

2 trips to Corfu per year. 1 week in May, 2 weeks July/August. Flight only. School holidays. Need to book early. Booked in January. Always use XLair. Reliable. Good onboard facilities. Clean. Good crew. Tickets arrive in May. Outsourced to Air Malta. Prove to be 'the airline with tiny personality'. No onboard facilities. Too few crew. Senior cabin lady had chipped nails. Ugh. Delayed return flight. Further delay in UK as couldn't find steps to enable disembarkation. Tickets arrive July. Air Malta. Grrr. My friend Steve: 'It's a means to an end'. Flight on time. Correction. Delayed 1 hour. Board. Further delay 1.5 hours as handlers forgot to load baggage.......and.....exhale. Phew!

The plane's engines were right at the back, not under the wings like usual, and it had a T-shaped tail fin, like a whale. It looked like a modified Army plane. I could see it catching on, 'Pimp my Chinook' (sp?) has a certain ring to it. Our seats were on the back row. They were so close to the seats in front that there was no way we could walk into the seats then sit down. We had to raise the armrests then adopt a seated position in the aisle and side-step, crab-like, into our seats. Once there I took in our surroundings. We, along with 4 other rows of passengers, appeared to be in our very own mini cabin. There was only one window located at the front next to Mr and Mrs Zebedee (more later). No windows? Then again we'd have only been able to see the engines anyway. Then it dawned on me. This bit of the plane hadn't orginally been designed for passengers! They'd shoe-horned extra seats in which is why they weren't equidistant!

The seat directly in front of me was occupied by Mr Fidgetypants. To be fair to the poor bloke, his seat veered sharp left so he spent the entire flight tyring to defy the gravity that was tugging his left buttock left and down. Either that or he was body-popping! Either way, he was too close to me for comfort and I hoped he didn't recline.

When the engines started the noise was deafening and we started to vibrate from head to toe. Only one thing for it. iPod on full blast. Nicola slept, as did all of our mini cabin companions. I've no idea how. Dave and I had no option but to sit bolt upright for the duration. Sleep was out of the question. Added to that we had to take turns to hold Nic's tray table up. It had a faulty latch and kept falling down, so we had to stop it from clonking our slumbering child on the head. And so the fun began.....

The toilets were next to me however as you approached the mini cabin from the front you came to a teeny galley area, the entrance to which was mistaken for a toilet door. And as people searched for the non-existent door handle in the non-existent door, their performances resembled Marcel Marceau impressions. They were hilarious! Me and Dave guffawed. Eventually I put the performers out of their misery by booming 'IT'S HERE', pointing to the real door. I say 'boom' as I had my iPod on and Dave advised I was a bit loud. I didn't wake anyone but I did notice Mrs Zebedee boing in her sleep every time I boomed. And so it went.
Marcel Marceau. BOOM. Boing
Marcel Marceau. BOOM. Boing
MarcelMarceauBOOMBoingMarcelMarceauBOOMBoing.
I'd leave the performers for a while if they were good. It was like 'Plane's Got Talent' with me as Amanda and Dave as Simon. There was a clear winner however I'd laughed so much I was unable to BOOM and had to wave to get his attention then point to the loo. I wonder what he said when he got back to his seat? 'Hey love, there's a couple of nutters at the back, both sat bolt upright, both have maniacal grins and one of them has their finger on the tray table.'

Then the inevitable happened. Mr Fidgetypants reclined. If I'd had my table down I'd have been severed. I had to ask him to move so I leaned over and tapped his shoulder.
Me: Hello
Him, opening his eyes: aaagghh. Well you would. There I was, face inches from his but upside down. Anyway, I asked him politely to move and he obliged.

Refreshments were served. Coffee, tea and water please. Here you go, knife, fork, spoon. Knife and fork?
Me: Is there food?
Hostess, above engine noise: Do you want a wrap? It's chicken.
Me: Er, no thanks. Just wondered why the knife and fork (holding them up)
Hostess: It's a chicken wrap. Do you want it?
I shook my head. Well one of us had to end the conversation, we only had 3 hours! And I found a use for the knife and fork - I used them to slice my coffee. Gaaaggh!

It was daylight now and Mr Zebedee was stood stretching his legs. Suddenly, Mrs Zebedee boomed 'Oooh quick! Look!' 'What? What is it?' exclaimed Mr Zebedee leaning over. I waited with baited breath wishing I had a window. 'I can see the sea!'. No. Really? Fancy being able to see the sea from up here. Boing boing. They both bounced around taking turns to say 'oo look' and point out the window.

And soon we landed. A very disconcerting experience given that we didn't know exactly when we were going to touch down because we couldn't see out. So when we did touch down the whole mini cabin, with the exception of Mr and Mrs Zebedee, went boing!

And Steve was right. It's a means to an end. We could've been transported here by spinning plates and it would have been worth it!

So, if you find yourselves travelling Air Malta don't get angry. Look on the bright side; there'll be a catalogue of events for your amusement.

Back soon, P